The Bucket Campaign: When There Are Conflicts

Now we’ve got your attention and you’ve joined our .  When you are kind to someone, they feel good and you’ve filled their bucket.  Treat someone badly, ‘dip from their bucket’, and they feel terrible. And YOU want to be a bucket filler, right?!

For now, we’re going to go on the assumption that most people want to be bucket fillers.  While there are exceptions to every rule, we’ll assume that everyone reading this would want to get along with their friends, neighbors, co-workers and family.

The truth is, however, we aren’t always perfect at being bucket fillers.  Sometimes we have disagreements.  Sometimes people make us mad.  Sometimes we’re tired.  Sometimes we just want it done our way.  Sometimes we shout.  Sometimes we say hurtful and regretful things.  Sometimes we’re human. (We’re talking about adults here, but substitute those “sometimes” for any toddler to teen!)

As we said in the last article, conflicts are a part of life.  They happen for many reasons.  When they are resolved appropriately, they help us grow and develop deeper relationships.  When they remain unresolved or manifest themselves into more pain, they can become destructive. 

There are many reasons that conflicts occur. The focus of this article is not to discuss why they happen but to offer five simple suggestions to get us started on our way to learning how to resolve conflicts effectively.  These are ideas that we can use when problems arise with other adults and with our own children.  They are also tools that we can teach to the preschool child, the high school child and every child in between.

1) Model the behavior you want.  Child development experts tell us that modeling behavior for children is a key component to teaching them how to behave.  Children really do ‘do as they see, not as they are told’.  If we maintain a calm voice and respectful attitude towards our children, it will help them to do the same.  Of course, this takes repetition and sometimes years of practice, so don’t expect immediate results!

Children learn negative behavior as well.  For example, if we hit a toddler who just hit his sister, they’ll learn that hitting is ok.  If we use sarcasm, put-downs, and roll our eyes at our older children …well you guessed it…they’ll do the same. A good rule of thumb is, if you wouldn’t say or do it to your boss, don’t do it to anyone else! Remember, that children need our love and respect, especially when they don’t seem like they deserve it!

2) Get calm.  Ok, so suggestion number one sounds good in theory.  But what about when you are not really in a calm and rational place yourself?  Problems usually can’t be solved in the heat of the moment.  In order to apply suggestion number one we must master the art of getting calm or at least appearing calm on the outside.  First we must recognize what pushes our buttons.  (A whiny voice, stamping feet, a condescending tone, being ignored??)  Next we have to find a technique to help us get calm.  Maybe it’s counting backwards from 10, or saying something like, “I’m going to walk away because I feel like I’m going to yell.  I’ll be back when I can talk to you.”   Show your youngest ones how to scream into a pillow!  Children need to know they can take a break and come back to solve the problem later. 

**Important note: Teach teens NOT to text or type when they are feeling angry.  Shut the phone, laptop, etc. Take a break and face the problem at a later time when initial feelings become more manageable.

3) “I want to work this out.”  Once all parties are calm, use the phrase, “I want to work this out.”  Imagine if all adults and children learn to say these few simple words when a problem occurs.  Most people will stop and listen to what you have to say, if they know you are willing to work with them. Even preschoolers can be taught to say this to a friend!  Make this the first thing you say when you are at odds with your own child!

4) Admit and amend for mistakes.  Adults and children alike need to learn to admit when they have dipped from another person’s bucket.  However, admitting when we are wrong does not always mean apologizing.  Adults can certainly model saying sorry if they mean it, but should not require children to say it.   Prompting a child to say “I’m sorry” when he doesn’t feel sorry, just teaches the child to say things he doesn’t mean.  Children can also learn to just spit out an insincere ‘sorry’ to avoid an issue.  

Instead, teach children to ask “Are you ok?”  and “What can I do to help you feel better?”  These words open communication.  They require the offending child to listen to others involved and take an active role in a solution. 

5) Relationships take work.  Teach and TELL children “relationships take work.”  Let them know that you have to work at your relationships.  Share stories about disagreements you’ve had and how you worked them out.  Teach them that to get along with friends, classmates, siblings and parents takes thought, time and effort.  Any relationship worth keeping will take work!

These five suggestions will take work, too.  They don’t come naturally and will take forethought and practice.  We want to thank you for considering these ideas.  We believe they are a good start in building a strong caring, thoughtful and respectful community.